A shockwave hit the political world this week, as news reached us of the unexpected appointment of Mr Gordon ‘Gibbo’ Brown as the new Prime Minister. Coming from nowhere, Mr Brown has touched the hearts of the nation with his unselfish acceptance of the highest and most powerful position in the land. Talking to a packed audience of press, media types and fishmongers, Mr Brown spoke of his appointment: “I am totally surprised, honoured and humbled that I have been called to such high office by the unanimous wishes of both the people of this country and of the members of my own party. Obviously I have no choice but to accept this honour. Er, do I get a pay rise? ”

Even in the midst of such joyous celebrations, Mr Brown still found time to be fulsome in his admiration and praise for the outgoing Prime Minister and his astounding achievements in health, education, public transport and crime. Though, he was quick to point out, these achievements paled into insignificance next to his own singular achievement of freeing the Bank of England to set interest rates. Mr Brown declared that he was sure that the country would join him in wishing Mr Kinnock and his wife (some mistake here, ed.) a happy and fruitful retirement.

“However,” continued Mr Brown, “things will now be totally different under my stewardship. I know that I can not claim to have had much influence on policy decisions over the last ten years, but that is now set to change. We must now prepare for change. I promise you sincerely that new changes are coming. Change will now be my constant watchword.”

Mr Brown went on to inform the adoringly attentive hordes of journalists of the very changes he would be making. In the interests of smaller government, he said, his cabinet would henceforth consist solely of himself plus a cardboard cut-out of Peter Mandelson. He felt that this made infinite sense as there really was no need for anyone else in the cabinet as he never listened to anyone else anyway.

During his speech, Mr Brown gave thanks to his father the Reverend Brown and his deeply religious upbringing which, he declared with a catch in his voice, "..provided me with my moral compass, my ethical sextant, my ideological lodestone and my principled binoculars. Praise the Lord!" His wife standing lovingly at his side looked down in humility for the duration of this impassioned speech.

The Prime Minister was then asked by a young reporter if he intended to do anything about the million pound bonuses paid to certain sectors of the city! Mr Brown responded in typical jocular fashion, "My word," he said "I Never Knew Such Poverty Existed!"

Mr Browns’ colleagues were quick to congratulate him on his accession. Alistair ‘don’t call me’ Darling talked of Mr Brown’s towering intellect (see below) and his fresh approach to politics. Mrs Harriet “I’m the deputy” Harman reminded us of Mr Brown’s loving commitment to his lovely wife Prudence. Mr Blunkett’s dog spoke of Mr Browns’ wonderful left leg.

The outgoing Prime Minister, Mr Anthony ‘I’m a pretty straight kind of guy’ Blair (thought so, ed.), stated that he thought that Mr Brown was just the right person to ensure that Britain would continue in the direction set during the last ten years of his government. He spoke of his longstanding relationship with Mr Brown and of his hope that he would continue to enjoy a close friendship with the new PM and his wife, whatever her name was.

Speaking of his own future, Mr Blair was slightly less enthusiastic. “President of Europe, what sort of job is that for a man of my abilities? Still, if my conversion to catholocism comes about, I should be good for a sainthood at some stage.” More on Mr Blair’s future below.

Mr Brown’s Intellectual Achievements

Many people talk of Gordon Brown’s towering intellectual stature. So what is the truth? Has he discovered a cure for cancer? Has he written any mind expanding pieces of literature? Has he produced any enlightened philosophical treatise? Has he composed any magically inspiring pieces of classical music? Not quite.

Unfortunately the list of our new PM’s supreme intellectual achievements is somewhat unimpressive. Tax credit fiascos, pension disasters, gold underselling, stealth tax after stealth tax, mind-numbing pieces of fiscal prestidigitation dressed up as unintelligible budget reports, endless contributions to the most complex and stultifying tax regime in the western world. In short, he has massively miscalculated the disastrous effects of nearly every piece of nonsense that you can put his name on. The only success he can claim, the very qualified (ie still under political control) independence for the Bank of England, is proving to be equally ineffective because of the targets he has set for maintaining low inflation and yet still keeping the economy on high burn. But don’t worry, if things go seriously wrong during his premiership, you can guarantee that he will find someone else to carry the can. Perhaps, after all, that is what they mean!

Intellectual giant? Personally, Pewkatchoo doesn't think the new PM could find his bottom with the aid of GPS and a route map.

Mr Blair’s Future

Brixton prison looks favourite.